Sunday, July 22, 2007

ARGH - well I tried to upload pics again and met with no success. I HATE computers sometimes. I have no idea what is wrong - but it is driving me crazy - or as my dear sweet father would say - that is but a short putt. So on that note I will give up with pics at the moment and report on the last few days.

Unfortunately the last 3 days have not been good ones. I phoned my son Friday morning - my time - it was Thursday evening for him - wanted to let him know that I wished I was there with them and felt very badly that I was going to miss the sealing at the temple. He asked me if I was angry -told him no - just very disappointed. Did not talk long - ran out of money and composure. Needless to say the rest of Friday was a lost cause - I spent most of the day crying and feeling sorry for myself. Really hit me that because of the choice I made to marry Aymn I am cut out of so much of my son's life. Even if I had been in Canada I would not have been able to go into the temple to witness the sealing - as I was excommunicated from the Church when I married Aymn. It is doubly hard because for 19 years it was Miles and I against the world - he was all I had and I was all he had. Must admit being told that it is no big deal - after all he is 25 and married does not help me at all - just makes me angrier at the lack of comprehension that is there in regards to what this 'marriage' has cost me. Of course Aymn was nowhere to be found - he was safely ensconced in Libya - away from all the upheaval. I am very fortunate that a good friend of mine was able to be there in my place - I got an email from her today - she said that Miles indicated that it was very hard not having me there - he hugged her - she said that for the day she was me - so I got a wonderful hug from him. I so wish I had been there for him - another instance of my having failed him - she took pictures of them outside the temple after the sealing - bittersweet photos - I SHOULD have been in them - but I was not there. I truly wish Miles had told me what was going on when I was in Canada - and/or had let me know sooner that they were going to the temple - because if I had had enough time I would certainly have tried to make it - even though I have not yet fully recovered from the last trip - must admit the more often I make that trip the longer it takes me to really bounce back. I think I am back to normal - but I am really not. Do not think that it is jet lag - I think it is more along the lines of trying to adjust to wanting to be in two places at the same time. Every time I go back it is harder to come back here. Part of that is because - slowly but surely - fences are being mended. Needless to say there were a lot of broken fences when I married Aymn - Miles was furious - and he had every right to be. This last trip was the best so far - even managed to get a few hugs out of him. That is one of the things I miss most about him - prior to leaving on his mission - he served his mission in Texas Houston East area for two years - he was a very huggy young man. When he came back he came back to a mom who was going down a very different path than either of us expected and there were no hugs. It has taken four years to get to the point that when asked he will hug me. I tend to be a very touchy feely type of person - and I miss the physical contact of people on a daily basis. Saturday was a very long day - they (Miles and Shani) were constantly in my thoughts - when it was time for them to go through at 9:30 a.m. I was wishing I was with them - and then at 11:30 a.m. when they were to be sealed I was again wishing I was with them. Those times are all their times. I felt very empty and alone. Sharon came over for a visit - trying to cheer me up and keep me occupied - and I appreciate her effort - but ... And then I get the pics my friend so kindly sent me - and there are a couple of pics of her with Miles and Shani and a wave of regret passes over me - THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ME. What in sam hill have I done?????? I think Aymn had best steer clear of me for a bit until I get my bearings again. I do believe Satan is winning the battle right now.

Today we (Sharon and I) had another Arabic lesson - we have them five days a week - two hours a day - it is coming very slowly. I do have a problem getting my mouth wrapped around a few of the the sounds. One of the sounds I really struggle with is the kh combo - sounds like a cat with a fur ball. But I am slowly but surely picking up a few things.

After the lesson we took off - gave our teacher a ride to her home - or pretty close - and then we went back to the Suzanne Mubarak Health Centre to get the results of our blood work. Would appear that my LDL is a little elevated - not sure how accurate the results were - do not have much faith in that place. But at least I have a 'benchmark'. Must work at eating better - needless to say I do not do well when I am stressed and of course the heat just makes things even worse. After getting the results - on the way home - we swung by the post office. Got July's Reader's Digest and Cooking for Two magazine. I need to pay for the rental soon - am hoping that Aymn will be home in time to do that - not sure I am up to trying to do that on my own. It is a real rigamarole - I am so surprised. And my Arabic is not where it needs to be to get that done.

Anyhow that is it for my last few days. Am hoping that things will start going better, soon. I am very weary of this roller coaster.


Lynn said...

I feel your heart ache. It's tough when we wonder what we have done and then wonder how or where to go from there. No matter what you decide.....I am here. Don't forget.
I am sure Miles must still love you a lot. I think he didn't tell you sooner, because he wanted to save you from the "hell" that you are feeling on his sealing day.
He's a good boy. " You done good. " Don't forget that.

egianqueen said...

Lynn: I am not sure of the reason he did not let me in on the 'secret' until it was too late for me to do anything. If he had let me know I would have stayed longer so that I could have been there. Guess I need to ask him why he did not let me know sooner. He is a good 'boy' - not sure I had much to do with it - I think he is a good boy in spite of me not because of me. But thanks for the thought.

EVA said...

WOW! Thay post brought me to tears. I feel sooooo sad for you! It certainly is a very complex issue. One major thought in my brain...organized religions and their "shutting people out" for various reasons--it pisses me off so bad! I am a Muslim and Muslims do it too of course, slinging the word "kaffir" around and laying down all kinds of seperation tactics that make so many more enemies than friends. I also feel bad for the struggles you have gone through in your relationship with your son. Who knows what was really in his heart and mind? But at least time seems to be healing things slowly but surely. I am hoping you are feeling a bit better. I know what it is like to have grown children, and me having a foot in 2 countries, and wondering what the hell I should do about the rest of my life. This isnt an easy time. But it will pass. I wish you the best--and look forward to meeting you when I move back to Egypt. Love and huhgs!